Right now, the bar for basic male behavior is sitting on the floor. I’m not sure it could be any lower. I didn’t think we needed a list telling men not to violate or demean women. I’m embarrassed to say I was wrong. Here we are.  Again. Let’s lay it out plain.

 With the current news about Cornell University, we are again all horrified. I’m not sure why. This story remains on auto-repeat—whether with famous people (Epstein Files, Harvey Weinstein, our current president and his “grab ‘em by the pussy” comment, or Bill Clinton and intern, Monica Lewinsky), stories in our local news, or rumors about friends and acquaintances.

 Here are a few suggestions that talk to boundaries, respect, and a couple of basics to think about in relationship building. Actually, they aren’t suggestions. They should be mandatory:

1.    No means no. Whether it’s someone you just met, a friend, your girlfriend, or your wife. No means no.

2.    You don’t rape women. Why do we even have to discuss that? Are you really that much of a pig?

3.    You don’t physically assault women. You don’t push, shove, kick, or hit them.

4.    You don’t drug women or get them drunk in the hope of having sex with them. See number 2. That is called rape.

5.    You don’t call them a bitch.

6.    You don’t call them a cunt. Ever. And don’t tell me how the word isn’t offensive in the same way in England. We aren’t in England. We are here in America.

7.    Things not going well? Walk away before you do any of the above.

8.    Listen more than you talk. Most of us guys talk too much. Just shut up and listen. Really listen. Don’t just hear, listen.

9.    Put in the time. If you are in a relationship with a woman—a girlfriend or a wife—make it work. As a guy who has been married 48 years, I can tell you it’s hard work. Love is necessary, but not sufficient. Work is required. Nothing happens by accident. It is in your hands.

10.  Own your mistakes. The movie Love Story got it wrong with the line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” What a stupid, totally false line. Love means you do say you’re sorry and apologize when you have done something wrong or said something hurtful. That is the right thing to do. That is the manly thing to do.

A last unnumbered point—Don’t assume you are better just because you are a man. I’ve seen this first hand ever since I watched women enter West Point in 1976 and some of my classmates objected. Guess what guys? We aren’t better. Seriously. Whether West Point, Army Ranger School, college, or the business world—women are making a difference. Every. Single. Day.

I am embarrassed I felt the need to list out those items, but that is where we are in the world. It has been that way forever, and we let it continue.

As men, it is not women we need to talk with about the things they need to do to stay safe, although I suppose that cannot hurt. What we need to do is talk to our male friends, our male coworkers, our sons, our nephews, and our friends’ sons about the issue. When necessary, we need to call them out for their misdeeds. We can’t turn a blind eye. If we do, we are part of the problem, not the solution.

… Feel Free to Share This Blog …

Addendum:

  • I’ve written one other blog on this topic, way back in October of 2017.  It is titled “My Wife Too.” It would appear things haven’t changed much. You can read it here: https://maxnhall.com/2017/10/17/my-wife-too/

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11 thoughts on “I’m Embarrassed”

  1. I appreciate this. We need more guys stating the obvious so it actually becomes obvious. 

    Also, I don’t mean to alarm you, but my gen-Z daughter claims See You Next Tuesday is not nearly as bad as you and I think it is and in fact in some cases it’s used as a compliment. So…. there you go. You learned something new.

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    1. Your daughter is wrong about that. (In my opinion). It’s no different than the people who talk about the British use of the word and it’s “not that bad” or event a compliment. It ain’t!

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  2. Max, THANK YOU! You have the uncanny ability to be ‘on point’, current, relevant, etc. I sincerely appreciate your ability with words, but moreso, your willingness to speak a truth that some of us have difficulty doing so. I’m proud of YOU and that I can say our worlds intersect. I hope not to wait until our 50th to share a hug, and a drink! Keep speaking, yelling and whispering! Love you, Man!

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  3. ..I struggle for words, not because I don’t have them but because I have far too many. We talk about “if” a girl or woman has been sexually assaulted or had her boundaries violated when in fact we should be considering how many times this has been done and at what ages. High-profile, horrific attacks like the Cornell 7 raise the issue but they also raise the bar: you were groped at 7, 10, 13? That’s not sexual assault. But it is. You were raped 20 years ago? It’s time to get over it. It isn’t. A person never gets over that. A group of guys were cat-calling you when you were walking alone? You should be flattered. We’re not, usually it’s frightening, it’s predatory. What else might they do? The issue of physical and verbal assault often begins early and persists for decades. I don’t understand why so many men are so predatory. Finally, for anyone still reading, Max’s last point is possibly his most important one. Men and boys, please stop turning a blind eye to your bretheren when you know they are doing wrong. Especially if that man is highly placed, a church goer or leader, a husband and father, so respectable. Stop choosing a bro over a woman’s or a girl’s dignity or safety. Please don’t assume that a highly independent woman doesn’t need a man’s protection. Please be one of the good guys.

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  4. That’s how I was brought up and what I have practiced. It’s led me to have a full and happy life, having been married for 58 years, and with two wonderful daughters.

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  5. That’s how I was brought up, which has led me to have a happy and full life, married now for only 58 years, and with two wonderful daughters. I have truly been blessed – I guess in no small part to having practiced what you so clearly articulated.

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  6. We just watched the movie “The Hunting Ground” which I had not seen before, although it was released 11 years ago. It’s shocking, to say the least, all about rape and sexual assault on campuses and how virtually nothing is done to the perp but the victims (99% women) are shamed as being the cause. So, for me after watching that, your post is so timely and so important. At the same time it’s sad that the message needs to be repeated over and over. What has happened to respect for each other, particularly for women? Thank you, Max.

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